Do I Need Therapy?

What a great question! And the short answer is: No, you don’t need therapy.

The last time I went to see my primary care doctor, he recommended that I get more exercise and lose some weight. That’s the same recommendation he has given me for the past couple of years. And every time, before the words even leave his mouth, I know exactly what he is going to say: “Lose some weight. Get some exercise.”

Do I need to lose weight and exercise? Not necessarily. I can choose to continue doing what I’m doing. I just need to be willing to live with the consequences of that choice. In my case, that could mean an increased risk of developing Type 2 diabetes or asking my heart to work harder than it needs to.

So, do I need to lose weight and exercise? No. But if I want to be healthier and have more years with my wife, family, and friends, then making different choices about what I eat and how much I move might be worth considering.

I think therapy can be much the same way.

We often look to people outside of ourselves for direction about what we should do. And there is certainly no shortage of people willing to tell us what they think we ought to do. Over time, however, we can discover that we are doing what someone else thinks is best for us rather than what we genuinely want for ourselves. And when that happens, even the best advice can eventually be set aside because our heart was never really in it. My doctor can talk to me about my health until he is blue in the face. But ultimately, I have to decide whether I want something different for myself.

Maybe a better question than “Do I need therapy?” is: “What patterns do I see in my life that are getting in the way of the life I want?”

That question invites us to slow down and become curious about what is happening within us. You might notice that you eat more than you intend to when difficult emotions begin to surface. You might notice that you are constantly trying to prove yourself to other people and become angry when they don’t acknowledge your efforts. Maybe you are highly aware of what everyone else is feeling but have a hard time recognizing what is happening inside of yourself. Or perhaps you find yourself struggling in relationships because you are constantly trying to be liked, accepted, or needed by others.

When we begin paying attention, we may discover patterns that we wish were different. At that point, we have a choice. We can simply try to change what we are doing. We can set goals, make spreadsheets, count calories, establish boundaries, or try harder to respond differently. Sometimes those things are helpful.

But there is another possibility. We can become curious about why we are doing what we are doing. Why do I keep returning to this pattern? What happens inside of me when I try to do something differently? What am I trying to avoid? What am I trying to protect? What did I learn or believe about myself and the world through my experiences?

Sometimes our patterns make more sense when we understand where they came from. Maybe I learned early in life that uncomfortable emotions were something to avoid. Maybe food became a way of soothing myself when I didn’t know another way to cope. Maybe I learned that being accepted by others meant putting aside my own needs. Understanding these patterns doesn’t mean excusing them or deciding that they can never change. It simply gives us a different place from which to begin.

Addressing these patterns in my life has been easier for me when I have someone willing to walk alongside me—someone who can be curious about what I am doing without judging me for it. That is part of what I hope to offer at Journey Together Counseling. I don’t want to simply tell you what you should do. I want to walk alongside you as you explore the struggles and patterns that have become part of your life. Together, we can become curious about why you do what you do, understand the ways you have learned to navigate life, and begin discovering possibilities for something different.

So, do you need therapy? No.

But if you find yourself thinking, “There are patterns in my life that I don’t understand, and I want something to be different,” therapy might be a worthwhile place to begin. You don’t have to have everything figured out before you start. Sometimes you just need someone willing to walk the path with you.