Why Can't I Change?

When Corrie ten Boom was about ten years old, she was riding on a train with her father when she asked what seemed like a simple question: “What is sex sin?” Rather than answering her directly, her father took his heavy bag of tools from the luggage rack and placed it on the floor. He then asked Corrie to carry the bag off the train. Try as she might, Corrie could not lift it. Her father explained that some things are simply too heavy for a child to carry. The problem wasn’t that Corrie didn’t understand how to carry a suitcase. She knew what to do. The issue was her capacity to carry it.

Sometimes our lives are like that. You may know exactly what you want to change, yet find yourself doing the same things over and over. You know you should speak up, set a boundary, stop worrying about what others think, or become more confident. You may have read the books, listened to the podcasts, and talked about it in therapy. And still, when the moment comes, you find yourself right back where you started.

Why can’t I change?

It may not be a problem of knowledge. It may be a problem of capacity. For example, you may want to feel more confident speaking in public. You know how to prepare a presentation and you understand the mechanics of speaking. But when you imagine standing in front of a group, your body tightens. You become afraid of making a mistake, being judged, or disappointing someone. Knowing what to do doesn’t necessarily give you the capacity to do it.

This can be especially true for people who have experienced trauma, including complex trauma. Experiences from the past can shape the ways we relate to ourselves, other people, and the world around us. Sometimes those patterns continue long after the original circumstances have changed.

This is one of the places where the Neuro-Affective Relational Model (NARM) can be helpful. NARM is a therapeutic approach that focuses on the connection between our present experience, our relationships, our bodies, and the patterns we developed to navigate difficult experiences. Rather than simply focusing on what you should do differently, NARM explores what may be getting in the way of your ability to do it.

What happens inside you when you imagine standing in front of that group? What are you afraid might happen if you aren’t confident, competent, and calm? Do you fear rejection, judgment, or disappointment? Perhaps somewhere along the way you learned that you had to say everything just right to remain connected to others.

These are the kinds of questions that can be explored in trauma therapy. Not to blame the past or find something wrong with you, but to become curious about the patterns that have helped you navigate life—and how those patterns may now be limiting you.

If you are looking for a trauma therapist or counselor in Hoover, Alabama, you may already know what you want to change. Perhaps the more important question isn’t simply, “Why can’t I change?” Perhaps it is:

“What would help me have the capacity to change?”

Sometimes change begins not with trying harder, but with discovering what makes change feel so difficult in the first place.